To live a lie
by purplehamster
Summary: Syed and Christian from I love you onwards - may contain actual spoilers
1. Chapter 1

Part 1

Syed couldn't sleep. He kept thinking over and over what Christian had said to him earlier at the wedding. Those three little words. The most important three little words in the world and Christian had said it to him. He had reacted badly he knew and hurt Christian. It was just that it was so unexpected at that moment and there with so many people around and it had thrown him. Christian had looked at him so seriously while saying it and he could see the love in his eyes. When he thought about it, he knew Christian loved him and had done so for quite a while. There were clues such as just before they had split briefly and Christian had told him in the Unit that if he wanted him he could have him all of him and had taken his hand and put it on his heart. You couldn't say it more clearly than that really. Also the other week on the bench he had been convinced Christian had been going to say something like the way I am like this is because I love you but Christian had hesitated and said because I care. His eyes had given him away though and Syed knew what he meant to say.

Syed sat up in bed. There was no point trying to sleep. He was cross with himself for reacting badly and pushing Christian away. He had panicked as at that very moment Amira had caught the wedding bouquet off Denise and he felt hemmed in thinking of his impending wedding. He went downstairs and poured himself a glass of water. He glanced across the square and could see that a light was still on in Christian's flat. He obviously couldn't sleep either. Syed picked up his mobile and tried ringing him but it went to ansaphone "Christian pick up the phone please, I know you're awake I can see your light is on. I need to talk to you." He clicked the phone off but Christian didn't return his call. He sighed to himself, he would have to catch Christian in the morning.

Syed walked into the Unit the next morning. He knew Christian was working today and he could hear someone preparing food but when he got in it was Jane getting stuff ready.

Syed: Hello Jane, isn't Christian supposed to be here today?"

"Yes he is but he called early this morning and said he needed to go off for a few days and could I cover for him."

"Did he say where he was going?" asked Syed

"Some friends of his have invited him over apparently. He's really left me in a difficult position as I'm meant to be at the café today as well. We've had to rearrange everyone around."

Syed put his work clothes on and started work. He kept trying to text Christian over the next couple of days but he wouldn't return his messages. Syed felt really frustrated.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

Christian returned to his flat 3 days later. He had stayed with some friends for a few days to clear his head. He had had to switch his mobile off after a while as Syed just kept texting him all the time. He was still too upset and angry to speak with him. He had put his heart on the line by saying what he had and Syed had looked at him like he was being crazy or something bad on his shoe even and had said "not here not now Christian" and walked off. Christian still didn't know what to do, he knew he would have to speak to Syed at some point on their own but he wasn't going to make it easy for him.

The two of them were working together the next day and Syed had to try and contain his anger. He was fuming that Christian hadn't returned any of his calls, had just gone off without saying anything and now just turned up with no explanation or anything. But he knew Christian was still angry with him and they had to clear the air somehow.

Syed: "I think we really need to speak alone Christian."

Christian: "We're alone now. You have something to say just say it."

Syed: "Not here. Can I come round to yours tonight?"

Christian: "I'm busy".

Syed: "Later then when you get back."

Christian: "I won't be back until really late. Going to a club with some mates."

Syed: "Christian please I know you're really angry with me but we really need to talk. I need to explain something to you."

Christian: "Tomorrow at 8. Come round then" he said tersely. He wasn't really going out clubbing with friends tonight but it wouldn't hurt if Syed thought he wasn't sitting in waiting for him.


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

When Syed went into the flat the next evening, Christian was sat on the sofa watching the telly. He didn't tell Syed to sit down so he stood awkwardly not sure what to do. He stepped nearer to the sofa. "Christian can we talk then?"

"Feel free" said Christian.

"Could you switch the telly off please?"

"No I want to watch this, it's really good."

Syed took a deep breath. Christian was being so infuriating "you said if I came around tonight that we could talk."

"And we can."

"I can't talk to you while you're watching some programme you like."

"Well then come back when it's finished if you're that fussy."

Syed went to grab the remote control to switch it off but Christian was quicker and pushed his arm away roughly. He tried to stand in front of the telly but Christian got up and said "don't make me hurt you Syed, if I have to physically move you out the way I will."

Syed laughed harshly "since when have you ever been so obsessed with watching a tv programme? It doesn't ring true Christian, you're just playing your games again."

"What games, you're the only one who plays games Syed all the time with MY emotions."

"Games like avoiding my texts, not calling me and not wanting to see me to talk."

"Why should I want to talk to you after last week? You made it obvious you want nothng to do with me" Christian spat out at him.

"It wasn't like that, you just caught me by surprise and all my family were there and Amira caught the …"

"Yes I know your darling princess caught the bloody wedding bouquet. That must mean your wedding is blessed right."

"That wasn't what I meant. It just wasn't the right time to tell me that's what I'm trying to say."

"Fine you've said your bit now just go."

"What I haven't said what I came here to say."

"Well hurry up best bit of programme's about to start."

"Forget it, I don't even know why I thought of trying to talk to you. I felt bad after last week and wanted to apologise but you're not even prepared to give me a chance so what's the point?" Syed picked up his jacket and started walking to the door to leave. He was fuming. As he started to open the door Christian pushed in front of him and the door slammed shut again. The two of them glared at each other.

"Go on then you want to say something say it" said Christian.

"I said I'm sorry that's what I wanted to say." He looked down and Christian knew he was lying. There was something else Syed had wanted to say and Christian realised he had gone too far being childish over the tv and by doing so pushing Syed away. He reached out a hand to Syed "Look I've over-reacted a bit tonight but I was so angry at you Sy. You really hurt me last week, it just proves all I am to you is still this dirty little secret."

"You're not Christian, I've told you before that isn't the case and I mean it."

"So what did you want to say to me tonight?" Christian was looking steadily at Syed and he met his gaze.

"I told you I wanted to apologise for last week."

"And the other thing?"

"What other thing?"

"Look Sy I always know when you're lying and you had something to tell me and all of a sudden, it's just an apology. Look me in the eye and tell me there was nothing else."

Syed looked straight at him "Okay you're right. There was something else." He picked up Christian's hand again "I wanted to tell you that I love you too."

Christian was silent and was scrutinising Syed's face but Syed held his gaze and he knew he meant every word. A wonderful warm feeling engulfed him and he pulled Syed in for a hug and then he looked at him and said "I love you too Sy." They both smiled and then kissed tenderly.


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4

Half an hour later and the two men were laughing and chatting together. Syed knew he would have to come out to his family and Amira and stop the wedding and would have to do it very soon. They had spoken about it tonight and agreed it would have to be tomorrow and they would do it together. Syed felt scared of what lay ahead but at the same time so happy knowing that Christian loved him and they were going to be together all the time.

Syed "We should celebrate somehow" said with a flirtatious look to Christian. He recognised that glint very well by now and knew exactly what Syed was suggesting but thought he would play along.

"So how do you suggest we do that then?" he asked.

"Well we could start like this" replied Syed and he leaned across the sofa and kissed Christian hard and passionately. He then stood up and went off to the bathroom and when he came back he had the massage oil in his hands and was smiling looking very pleased with himself.

"Why don't I give you a massage Christian?" he suggested.

Christian smiled back "a full body massage?" he asked cheekily.

"Well you will have to wait and see won't you." He led him over to the bed and took Christian's shirt off. He started to massage his shoulders using the massage oil and rubbing it in all over his back and chest. The sensations it gave Christian were amazing and he could feel himself responding to Sy's touch and warm hands. After a few minutes Syed pushed him back so he was lying on the bed and Christian felt him undoing his jeans and boxers and slipping them off. He felt like he was going to explode and when Syed's hands moved up and down his legs rubbing and oiling everywhere, he started to move underneath Syed. Syed's hands took hold of him and caressed oil into every single part of him that was aching for it. Christian was moaning and his hands were pulling at Syed's shirt and virtually ripped it off and then the two of them were kissing again. Christian grabbed the oil out of Syed's hand and turned him over onto his front. He pulled Syed'd trousers and boxers off and started massaging and oiling Syed in all the same places until he was shouting out his name and then Christian entered him. His hands reached round in front and took hold of Syed and the two of them were lost in a tidal wave of passion.


	5. Chapter 5

Contains some spoilers

Part 5

Syed walked back to his house later on that night. He was lying in bed smiling to himself remembering the past few hours. He thought back over all the things they had discussed as well and how close they had become. He remembered that tomorrow was the day to tell his family the news and looking round his room wondered if he would still be here tomorrow night or whether he would be kicked out. Time would tell but he had to be brave and face them. At that point he heard the phone ringing downstairs. His eyes were closing when he suddenly heard a panicked shout

"Syed Tamwar come down now." Syed jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to see what was wrong. His mum's face looked really pale and drawn and something was wrong he could tell.

"Mum what is it?"

"It's your dad, there's been an accident and he's been taken to hospital." Zainab didn't know any more than that and was panicking. Syed picked up the car keys "Let's go in and see him now" and Tamwar helped him to guide his mum out and into the car. Syed drove in silence to the hospital. They didn't know any details and would just have to wait until they got there.

The doctor told them that Masood would be okay but needed to be kept under observation for the time being. His passenger however was in a bad way and they were taking her into theatre shortly. Amira turned up a few minutes after this and the family sat together waiting until they could go and see Masood. Zainab kept going on about all the hours Masood had been working and how he should have slowed down a bit. Syed felt really guilty, he knew his dad was doing all those extra hours to help financially with the wedding and he felt it was his fault that his dad had got over-tired and crashed. Also this accident must have happened at just the time when he told Christian he loved him. The more he thought about it, this was obviously what he deserved for sinning today. It was all his fault. He felt sick at this thought, how could he have said that to Christian and then how could they have ended up in bed doing the things they had done? Even worse it was him that had started it with that bloody massage oil. He had tempted Christian so he was the sinner. He looked down at his hands and clenched and unclenched them. He knew what he had to do the answer was clear now and he would have to do it today.


	6. Chapter 6

May contain spoilers

Part 6

Syed burst into the flat later that afternoon and brushed past Christian.

Christian: "Well that's a friendly welcome I must say."

Syed: "My dad crashed his taxi last night and he's been taken to hospital. He had a passenger with him who is still in theatre now and may die."

Christian: "Hey Sy I'm sorry, is your dad going to be okay?"

Syed: "They're keeping him in for observation, he's just a bit groggy at the moment. They said he should be able to come home tomorrow."

Christian: "Sit down Sy you look done in."

Syed: "I didn't get much sleep last night. After getting back from yours, we then went into hospital so I have just grabbed a few hours before coming over now."

Christian: "You probably want to go back and see your dad right?"

Syed: "Yes I am but first I needed to talk with you. What happened yesterday shouldn't have happened. I don't think we should see each other anymore."

Christian: "Where on earth is this coming from? I know you're worried about your dad but it doesn't explain you saying that."

Syed: "We well I was sinning last night at the exact same time my dad could have been killed and it's all my fault. What we are doing is wrong it's not right it ………"

Christian: "It is right and what we were doing was making love. You said you loved me remember."

Syed: "That was a mistake. I felt I had to that you were expecting it of me after the other week and you always put so much pressure on me all the time. As I've said before sometimes I can't breathe around you."

Christian: "You're unbelievable. When you said that yesterday you meant it and you know it. Don't give me that shit about me pressuring you again. I never did and I never forced you to do anything yesterday, you were perfectly willing and came on to me if you remember."

Syed: "Of course I remember, but it was wrong. I was doing something I shouldn't be and now I have been paid back. We have to finish now as this is not allowed."

Christian: "Sy I understand your religion but life really doesn't work like that. It's just bad timing it's not to do with what we happened to be doing at that time. You have to believe that."

Syed: "I can't Christian. It's over right now. I have to marry Amira and we mustn't see each other again."

Syed started to walk to the door and Christian said "so you're just going to walk out of my life as if what has happened between us never happened at all. Pretend to live a normal life with Amira and live a lie. That's what you're doing."

"Bye Christian" and Syed walked out of the flat and out of his life. Christian looked at the door in stunned shock not believing what had just happened.


	7. Chapter 7

Part 7

Three weeks had passed. Weeks in which the two of them carried on their lives as much as possible but neither was happy. When they had to work together, they did so in silence and Syed rearranged his shifts so someone else was generally always with them in the Unit. The wedding was just two weeks away and Syed felt like he was living under a death sentence. Time was passing so fast and all he could see ahead was his future with Amira. If he started thinking about Christian and what could have been, he quickly put that thought out of his mind and he took to praying at those times as well to help him through. Nights were the worse as the days were so frantic with work, family visiting, arrangements for the wedding and everything else. But at night-time he lay there not sleeping and all he could think of was Christian, the times they had had together, the chats, the fights and the intimacy they had shared. Then he would let himself remember and tears would often come to his eyes before he fell asleep.

Christian had struggled to get through the last three weeks. He found it difficult to do anything and wondered why he bothered getting up every day. Roxy had been really worried about him and had taken him out a few times more recently but he couldn't enjoy himself at the moment and didn't think he could for some time. He wished that he and Syed could just talk again and try and clear the air but whenever they were working together, there always seemed to be someone else with them. He knew Syed kept changing his shifts round to avoid him as much as possible. Christian was still shocked by how suddenly it had ended. They had had a wonderful time together and been really close and Syed had finally admitted he loved him and then the next day Syed had ended it. He had said that what they had been doing wasn't what good Muslims do and even more hurtful to Christian, he had said that Christian had forced him into saying he loved him. Christian knew this wasn't true and guessed it was Syed's way of finishing it so he would know there was no chance of them getting back together. That had really hurt though and still did.

Christian walked into the Vic, he was meant to be meeting up with Roxy and then they were heading out to a club later. He went up to the bar and Ronnie served him. She said Roxy would be down shortly. Christian looked around and saw that Amira and Syed were sat in the corner with loads of papers in front of them. Even from where he stood, he could see it was all wedding arrangements and it made him sick to think of it and watching Syed and Amira sitting so close with their heads together looking so cosy was more than he could bear right now. He ordered another drink, a double this time. He was going to need it if he had to wait in here much longer. Amira came up to the bar "Hi Christian why don't you come and join us?"

Christian: "No thanks I'm waiting for Roxy, we're off to a club tonight. See you two are busy discussing wedding plans."

Amira: "Yes I'll be glad when it's over. I never knew there was so much to do. You're coming to the Mendhi dance next week aren't you?"

Christian: "I'm not sure if I can make that date actually babe, I may have a prior engagement."

Amira: "Oh you must we can't have our Mendhi dance without our Franc can we and besides Syed will want you to be there I know."

Christian wasn't sure what to say to this. He personally felt Syed wouldn't want him there at all but wasn't sure if Amira realised they weren't speaking. He glanced over towards Syed who was purposefully not looking at him but pretending to read through the papers again. Roxy came out at that point and linked arms with Christian saying "come on then Christian let's show them who's boss" and started to lead him out of the Vic. Christian looked back at Amira "see you babe" and she smiled back at him. Syed looked up as they walked out the door and Amira came back with the drinks.

Amira: "Christian and Roxy are going out clubbing. We haven't done that for ages, when this wedding is over we should make a foursome."

Syed nodded. Well it didn't take Christian long to return to his old habits did it. Guess he wouldn't be sleeping alone tonight then. Thinking of Christian with someone else was too painful.

Amira: "Christian didn't seem to think he could make the Mendhi dance next week. Has he said anything to you?"

Syed: "No nothing."

Amira: "That's really odd. I was sure he would go and he seemed a bit vague about whether he could come or not. Perhaps you can speak to him about it tomorrow."

Syed: "Look there's no point. If he's decided not to go then that's up to him. I can't force him to go can I?"

Amira: "Alright I only asked. I'll mention it to him when I see him next. Honestly you want something done you have to do it yourself."

They went back to discussing last-minute plans but Syed's mind was elsewhere. He wondered if Christian would go to the Mendhi dance but hoped in a way he wouldn't.


	8. Chapter 8

Part 8

It was the Mendhi dance day fand the Masoods' house was completely frantic. Everyone was desperate to get in the bathroom and various shouts were running through the house about last-minute preparations, shirts ironed or not and things gone missing. Syed was finishing off dressing in his room. He had on a three-quarter length Muslim robe over white trousers. He hardly registered his reflection as he looked in the mirror. He felt like he was living some long nightmare now and wished he could wake up and it would all be over. He was dreading doing his dance tonight, it really wasn't his thing. The other dancers and Amira were all excellent of course but it was his solo bit he was dreading. Amira had also informed him the day before that in fact Christian was coming and he was bringing someone with him but she didn't know who. Amira being Amira was all excited about this and was hoping he had got back with James again. There was a knock on his door "come in" he said. Zainab walked in wearing a flowing purple sari and she looked so beautiful and her face was glowing. Late pregnancy really suited her. She was looking at him "you look so handsome Syed all the girls will want to marry you after tonight." He smiled at her and they had a hug. Zainab stood back and looked at Syed again. Something was troubling him recently and she didn't know what it was. She presumed it was preparations for the wedding making him edgy but he wasn't sleeping too well as she often heard him up and about in the night, he was off his food and when you looked in his eyes he didn't look very happy. This was what really worried her, why would he look so sad when he was marrying Amira? It just didn't make sense.

Zainab: "Syed you would tell me if there was something wrong wouldn't you."

Syed: "Of course I would Mum, why do you say that?"

Zainab: "Oh call it mother's intuition or something but you seem troubled recently."

Syed looked down at the ground "I just have a lot on my mind with all the preparations for everything, it's just such a busy time."

Zainab: "I know but it will be worth it. My handsome boy will have a beautiful wife and in time you will give me gorgeous grandchildren I just know it."

Syed didn't say anything to this he just smiled at his mum. She gave him another hug and walked out of the room telling him they were heading over to the Community Centre in five minutes and to be ready.

Syed and Amira were sitting in their chairs watching all the dances. Everyone else was sat around watcing and laughing. Christian had arrived some time ago with someone called Matthew and the two of them were sat with Ronnie and Roxy watching the entertainment. Syed felt sick at having to do his dance and suddenly it was time. He got up and when the music started he did his bit. He went through the motions of it feeling as if he wasn't actually there as if he was watching someone else do it and then halfway through the other male dances joined him and it was easier. There was a big cheer at the end. Amira came running up to him "babe you were fantastic you have all the girls jealous of me now." They hugged and then Amira did her dance. She was so elegant and beautiful that the cheering stopped and everyone watched in awe. Her female assistants came in halfway through and they all looked so lovely in their saris and so colourful.

Some time later and Syed was wandering around chatting to various people and suddenly found himself face to face with Christian's group. Ronnie gave him a hug "that was great Syed you dance really well".

Syed: "Thanks. Have to say I'm glad it's over to be honest but did my best."

Roxy: "Not bad at all and Amira was just so elegant. This is all really lovely. Can't wait for the wedding after this."

Christian stepped forward "Hi Syed youu did a great dance."

Syed: "Thanks."

Christian: "Let me introduce you, Syed this is Matthew." Syed and Matthew shook hands.

Matthew: "This is fantastic I've never been to one of these before but Christian invited me and it's been lovely."

Syed said thanks and smiled back. He made his excuses and left. Matthew was so good-looking and Christian was all over him. He carried on doing the rounds of everyone and then it was time to eat. The food was delicious and everyone complimented them all on what a lovely evening they were having. Finally it was time for the Mendhi dance to end and everyone started leaving. Syed started clearing up the plates and packing away the tables and heard footsteps behind him "let me give you a hand with all that. You'll be here until the middle of the night doing this lot of your own." It was Christian and he started helping him out. Syed couldn't argue with him and they worked steadily in silence. Amira came over to say goodbye and she had to get back as she had work early the next day. Zainab and Masood went home with Tamwar so Ian and Jane stayed and helped too. An hour later and Ian and Jane headed back to the Unit with the leftover food and containers so left Christian and Syed to lock up. Syed looked over at Christian who was busy sweeping the floor "look you may as well go Christian I can finish off here. Thanks for your help."

Christian: "I can finish this first it's nearly done."

Syed: "Won't Matthew be wondering where you are?"

Christian: "He has a really early start to his job so he wanted to get back to his place tonight."

Syed: "Oh I see." He was ridiculously pleased by that fact which meant that Christian wouldn't be sharing a bed with Matthew tonight. He suddenly pulled himself up. It was wrong to feel like that remember and besides Christian and Matthew were a couple and he had to get used to it. He felt quite angry at Christian being here with him helping. Why was he being so nice to him? It didn't make sense. He finished what he was doing and waited for Christian to finish. They had a last look around to check everything was in place and then Syed went to put his jacket on and got the key out ready to lock up.

Christian: "Why don't we just have a quick chat?"

Syed: "It's really late already aren't you on early tomorrow?"

Christian: "Probably I'm usually a different shift to you these days."

Syed: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Christian: "That you're avoiding me as much as possible."

Syed: "I thought it was best in the circumstances. Easier too."

Christian: "You think this is easy."

Syed: "Don't Christian please."

Christian: "Seeing you like this, working with you when we do and you ignoring me all the time. I need to decide what I am going to do but I may as well tell you I am thinking of moving away."

Syed stared at him shocked "where would you go? You have family here."

Christian: "I know but I need a break to clear my head. Just don't know if I will move away permanently or just for a short while but I can't be around you like this."

Syed: "When will you go?"

Christian: "Around Christmas/New Year time or just after."

Syed looked at him but he didn't know what to say. He had guessed Christian might go at some point but to hear him say it made it so definite. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the key "I should lock up now, I promised to drop off the key as soon as we were finished here."

Christian nodded and they went outside and locked up. Christian glanced over at the younger man's face. Syed looked so shocked by his news but Christian felt he couldn't stay around here much longer and he needed to get away. Maybe it would be the best thing for both of them.


	9. Chapter 9

Part 9

Two months had passed. Syed and Amira were now married and living with his parents. Christian had been true to his word and had gone off a few days later and hadn't been seen since. Syed hadn't heard from him and didn't know if he planned to come back or not. His flat was just empty and Jane didn't seem to know anything about where he was or when he might come back when he asked.

Syed walked across the square to the Unit. Sometimes he wondered why he even bothered getting out of bed in the mornings. Every day followed the same old pattern, working at the Unit various shifts, going back home and having dinner, spending the evening with Amira and then bed. Occasionally they would go out to the Vic to have a few drinks or the cinema but Syed's heart wasn't in it and he hated having to pretend everything was fine when it wasn't. He felt so unhappy and trapped but very torn at the same time. He knew that he had done the right thing marrying Amira as far as his family and faith were concerned but when it came to his emotions, that was a different story. He yearned to see Christian and the pain of not knowing where he was or even if he would see him again was unbearable. He reached the Unit and walked in. Zainab was just unloading some goods into the freezer. He rushed over and took them off her.

"You shouldn't be doing that Mum you should just be resting now while you can."

Zainab: "Resting I'm fed up of resting. I need to do something Syed I'm so bored."

He smiled fondly at her "Mum the baby is due in a few weeks you really should take it easy."

"I'll go home in a minute, no actually I want to go and see Jane and catch up. I promise I will sit down and have a drink and cake how about that?"

"Sounds good mum."

The one light on the horizon was this baby. Syed hoped that having a new baby in the house would help him feel happier in himself and give him a reason to get up in the morning.

Syed was clearing up and finishing off many hours later when his mobile rang. He picked it up and it was Masood calling "Syed I've got to take your mum into hospital, the baby's coming."

"What dad it's not due for a few weeks yet."

"Babies don't always come on their due date you know. This one is obviously in a hurry. Can you pick up Tamwar and meet us at the hospital when you can."

Syed finished off what he was doing but he felt nervous knowing his mum had gone into labour. He wished she didn't have to go through all that to have the baby but knew she would be okay. As she kept reminding him, she had done it before!! He decided he would get a taxi to the hospital with Tamwar as they should be able to get a lift home with their dad later.

When he walked into the hospital he immediately smelt that hospital smell of disinfectant. It always made him feel slightly on edge. He found the maternity department and asked at the reception and the lady told him to wait in the waiting area for now. Some time later his dad came in and just quickly updated him. The labour was very advanced already and the baby would be born in the next few hours. Syed decided to get himself a coffee and he and Tamwar sat together and waited. It was just under two hours when his dad appeared again. Syed glanced up and straightway knew something was terribly wrong. His dad's face was ashen and he looked like he had been crying. Syed stood up and went towards him "Dad what's wrong?" he asked worriedly.

Masood: "The baby came really quick, she was in such a hurry. Sometimes these things happen, there's no reason for it or sense or ……."

"Dad tell us what's happened?" Syed said frantically.

A doctor had followed Masood out and he quietly took them all to one side and informed Syed and Tamwar "I'm really sorry but your mum's baby was stillborn."

Syed gasped in shock and Tamwar started to cry. The doctor was still talking "I know it's a lot to take in and please take your time. You may feel you want to see her and of course you can hold her too. Your mum is with her now if you want to come in."

They all walked into the room where minutes before there had been hope and now it was gone. Zainab was holding the most beautiful baby girl Syed thought he had ever seen in his life. She had lovely curly black hair and she looked just perfect. His mum had tears pouring down her face and Masood went up to her and sat with his arm around her and the baby. Masood looked up at Tamwar and Syed. "Do you want to hold her and say your goodbyes?". Tamwar hesitated and looked unsure so Syed went forward and said "I will". He sat down on one of the chairs and his dad passed her to him. She was wrapped in a blanket and Syed took hold of her tiny hand and stroked her face. She was just so angelic. He was aware vaguely of his dad taking a picture of him and understood why. The doctor and nurses had suggested they take photos of all the family with her so they would have memories to look at. He returned her to his mum and Tamwar held her too and then he and Syed left their mum and dad alone with their baby sister for the last time.

Syed felt he was in some sort of trance. He had been so busy covering all the shifts at the Unit as his parents were too devastated to be working and also when he was at home he was helping out with the housework and cooking and also helping his mum and Amira to arrange the funeral. He felt his head was spinning from all the things they had had to do and he was so tired.

It was the day after the funeral and he had done a whole day at the Unit and he got outside and just felt he needed to be on his own for a while before facing Amira and the rest of his family again. The grief was just pulling him down so much. He sat on the bench in the park and it was lovely and quiet as it was a very cold night. Hardly anyone was about and that suited him. He didn't have his jacket on as he had left it at the Unit and he started to feel really cold but still sat there enjoying the solitaryness of it all. He decided to head back to the Unit and get his jacket and then walk back home. He was just about to enter the Unit when he heard a familiar voice "not working this time of day are you?" Syed stopped in his tracks and closed his eyes. He didn't dare turn round in case he had imagined hearing him. He started walking to the Unit entrance again "Syed didn't you hear me?" This time he knew he hadn't imagined it. He turned around and saw Christian standing a short distance away. He didn't really know what to say to him after the time they had been apart. "You're back then" he asked.

Christian: "Looks that way. Had a great time on holiday met some cool people but felt it was time to come back and earn a living etc."

Syed: "Well see you around then. I've got to get my jacket left it here earlier."

Christian: "How have things been? Married life treating you well?"

Syed realised Christian obviously didn't know the news about the baby and couldn't bring himself to talk to him about it. He just nodded "fine thanks. See you at work I guess. When can you start again?"

Christian: "Tomorrow if you need me."

Syed: "Yes that would be great. Mum and Dad are taking a break at the moment so it's just me and some various agency staff plus Jane has helped when she can with Ian but another pair of hands would be good."

Christian was looking oddly at Syed. Something was wrong and it wasn't just to do with the wedding it was much more than that. When he looked closer at Syed, he could see that he looked really tired with dark circles under his eyes but there was a real sadness in them. Why weren't his parents helping out at the Unit? It didn't make any sense.

Christian: "Why are your parents taking a break?" Then he realised "Oh silly me of course the baby. I guess they must be pretty busy huh?"

Syed couldn't speak. He just nodded and dashed into the Unit to get his jacket. Christian stood there puzzled. Why on earth would Syed not want to talk about his new baby brother or sister? What was going on? He decided he would call Jane. He wandered off a little and texted her "hi sis I'm back. Do you know how the Masoods' new baby is? Can't get any sense out of Syed for some reason." Straightaway his phone rung back.

Christian: "Hi sis you could have texted."

Jane: "I was waiting until you came back but you should know they lost the baby, it was a stillborn. A baby girl."

Christian was stunned. Oh God it all made sense now why Syed was acting so strange and he had gone and put his great big feet in it and probably made Syed feel ten times worse. He had to find him. He finished talking to his sister and went into the Unit. The lights were all off and he wondered if Syed had passed him without him realising but then if so, he hadn't locked up so surely he must still be here. He went into the office and could just see a shape sitting at the desk with his head in his hands.

"Syed?"

"Leave me alone please."

"I didn't know before I just spoke to Jane and she told me. I am so so sorry."

"It doesn't matter really."

"It does matter, I just didn't think." Christian switched on the side lamp and went to the cupboard and poured himself a drink and got an orange juice for Syed but sneakily put a little vodka in it. He felt this was an emergency and it looked like Syed could do with it. He put the drink in front of Syed. "Here drink that".

Syed picked up the glass and took a gulp. He sat down opposite him and picked up his drink.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

Syed: "What's to say. Nothing really. These things happen. We had a funeral and now life goes on. Mum's in a state and dad too. Tamwar's really messed up. I'm having to work all the shifts I can here as mum and dad aren't up to it and the agency staff are pretty unreliable and when I get home I have to do loads of stuff around the house as well."

Christian: "And what about you?"

Syed: "What do you mean what about me?"

Christian: "How do you feel? Sounds like you're trying to be everything to everyone here and at some point something will have to give. You have to look after yourself too you know?"

Syed: "I'm more worried about my family than myself right now. It's not the time to be selfish you know. I just want to get through this and things to be okay again."

Christian: "Your family have had a bereavement Syed, you will never ever forget it but it will get easier."

Syed: "Look if I want counselling I'll see a bloody counsellor okay. You think you have any idea what this feels like well you don't."

Christian: "I know I don't but I know what grief is like. You have to acknowledge it Syed you can't just pretend nothing has happened. You have to grieve too."

Syed: "I am grieving all the time. I just have a lot to do and that gets me through it."

Christian: "You have to let the grief out otherwise it can destroy you."

Christian hoped he was right but he instinctively felt that Syed was bottling up his grief and not letting himself cry and be sad probably because he was trying to be everything to his family yet again. He decided to try a different line of questioning "what was she like?"

"What?" Syed was baffled by his question.

"Your baby sister, you must have seen her. What was she like?"

Syed: "Like a baby" he said sarcastically.

He looked at Christian and could see that he was looking at him still waiting for a proper answer.

"She was beautiful" he said in a whisper and then reached into his jacket and pulled out a picture. It was the one his dad had taken of him holding her. He passed it to Christian. The little baby was just so gorgeous and Syed looked so vulnerable holding her there it made Christian's eyes water. He passed it back to Syed who put it back in his jacket. They sat in silence for a few minutes and then Syed carried on "She looked like she was sleeping in my arms and she was just perfect. All her fingers and toes and her lovely curly hair and I kept thinking she would open her eyes in a minute. Why wouldn't she just wake up? It was hard to believe or take in that she was …….." he couldn't go on. He put his head in his hands and started sobbing. Christian stood up walked around the table and without thinking put his arms around Syed saying "come here". Syed tensed a bit to start with but then he collapsed on his shoulder and cried and cried and Christian knew he had been right and Syed had been bottling it up for weeks.

Some time later the tears stopped and Syed pulled back apologetically "I'm sorry" he said rubbing at his eyes.

Christian: "It's okay you needed that. Here finish your drink" and he pushed Syed's drink towards him. He picked it up and drank it in one go. He looked over at Christian. "What did you put in that?" he asked. Christian smiled "don't ask me and then I won't have to lie. Figured you needed it and this was an emergency okay." Syed looked at him fairly crossly but then he looked down at the desk. "I should go my family will be wondering where I am."

Christian: "Okay I'll see you at work tomorrow."

The two men walked out the Unit and Syed locked up. Christian wandered over to his flat and Syed watched him enviously. He wished he could go with him and be held by those big strong arms all night and comforted but he knew he had to go back to his wife and family and do what was right.


	10. Chapter 10

Part 10

Three months had passed. In the Masood household things had improved a little bit. Zainab was gradually getting back into working again doing a few days here and there. The awful initial shock and pain of losing the baby had passed. They were all still mourning her loss in their own way but were able to undertake day-to-day stuff again.

At the Unit Syed had found Christian to be a real strength for him during this period. Christian hadn't mentioned anything about the two of them in the past and had been a real rock to Syed and someone he could speak to about what had happened when he didn't feel able to speak to Amira or his family. They had grown closer again but as friends only. Christian was seeing someone for the last few weeks called Oliver or Ollie as he preferred to be called. Syed had been introduced to him briefly at the Unit one day. He hated thinking of Christian with someone else but knew he didn't have any right to say anything. Christian was a completely free agent and he wasn't. He had mixed feelings about it all. He was glad that Christian was moving on with his life and seemed to be happier again but at the same time he was so jealous and he wondered if Christian still had feelings for him anymore. Syed knew he still loved Christian, there was no doubt in his mind at all but he felt that maybe Christian may have fallen out of love with him.

Occasionally Christian would try and drag Syed and Amira out to clubs or events at the Vic and there was a quiz night coming up at the Vic and he was trying to get a team together. Syed was really reluctant to go but Amira was adamant they should but Syed knew that Ollie would be there as well and couldn't face an evening watching the two of them canoodling in front of him. He was wondering how he could get out of it and decided to pretend he wasn't feeling well. He and Christian were working at the Unit that morning and Syed thought he would take the chance to get out of that evening.

Christian: "Well hope you've got your brain switched on well today. Quiz night tonight and our team is you, me, Ollie, Amira, Roxy and Ronnie."

Syed: "Actually Christian I'm not sure I will be there tonight, I'm not feeling too great today. I may have to give it a miss."

Christian: "What's wrong?"

Syed: "I just feel a bit off-colour and I could really do with an early night. I start here at 6 in the morning."

Christian: "Look I can cover that early start if you want, you and Amira haven't had a night out for ages. You need to have some fun."

Syed: "Sorry I'll have to see but I don't feel great right now."

He carried on working in silence and could feel Christian's eyes scrutinising him every now and then. Why did he keep doing that? Christian for his part was curious as to why Syed didn't want to to. He could tell that Syed was lying but didn't understand why he didn't want to go. He was determined to get him there somehow.

Syed was watching telly at home when the doorbell rang. He got up and answered it. It was Christian.

Christian: "I came over to see if you're coming over tonight."

Syed: "Didn't Amira tell you? I'm still not feeling brilliant, I'm just going to stay here and have an early night."

Christian: "I know you're lying Syed, there's nothing wrong with you."

Syed: "What you're a doctor now are you? How do you know if I'm ill or not?"

Christian: "I know when you're lying and at this present moment you are lying. Why don't you want to come along tonight? It'll be fun."

Syed: "It may be your idea of fun but it's not mine. I'm sorry but I don't have to go, you can't force me."

Christian: "Tell me why you don't want to come and I'll go. It doesn't make sense you always used to enjoy evenings like this."

Syed: "That was before I was married, things are different now."

Christian: "Like you want to spend more time with Amira you mean? I don't think so. You need to loosen up and enjoy yourself occasionally, live life a bit."

Syed: "Well you certainly live life for all of us Christian. Glad to see nothing stops you having fun. Enjoy your evening." Syed made to shut the door but Christian put his foot in the way and held the door with his hand.

Christian: "Please come along, honestly I know you'll have a good time. It'll do you good to get out, all you do these days is work."

Syed: "You get back otherwise the team will be short of people. I'll come along later if I feel better."

Christian looked at him and sighed "Okay but remember we need your knowledge too. We have a good team if we are all there. The prize is a bottle of champagne and some chocolates. Sure Amira wouldn't say no to some of those."

He moved his foot and let go of the door so Syed said "bye Christian" and he closed the door. He leaned against the door and breathed out. Why did Christian think he would enjoy a quiz night sitting around with Amira and watching Christian and Ollie kissing all night long? Perhaps it was Christian's way of deliberately hurting him but Christian had seemed really keen for him to go and concerned that he come out and have a good time. He decided he would go and make his excuses if it all got too much.

Half an hour later and the quiz night was well under way. Syed had turned up 10 minutes ago much to Christian's pleasure. He had thought Syed wouldn't turn up after he had visited his house and was pleased to see him walk into the Vic. Ollie was sat next to Amira and the two of them were very friendly together so Syed had to sit next to Christian. He found he really enjoyed himself and Christian went out of his way to make sure he had a good time. Later on when the questions were finished and the totals being added up, Ollie went to get another round of drinks and Amira got Syed to sit next to her. This meant that when Ollie came back he then was next to Christian. Ollie passed the drinks around and then he leaned into Christian and kissed him and then sat holding his hand. Syed couldn't help seeing all this and felt awkward and all the jealous feelings came flooding back again. He knew he couldn't just go off now it would be too obvious so he would have to sit it out until the results came in. Amira was chatting with Roxy and Ronnie so he just looked around the room anywhere rather than watch Christian and Ollie. Finally the results were out and Peggy announced them to the pub. Their team came second in the end which was really good and they were all pleased with that. Syed decided this was a good time to go and he and Amira said their goodbyes and left.

Next day in the Unit he and Christian were working together again. Christian asked him if he had enjoyed the evening and he said he had.

Christian: "It's Ollie's birthday week after next, we're just going to have a few people round at my place. We wondered if you and Amira would like to come."

Syed: "I'm not sure that's such a good idea."

Christian: "Why not?"

Syed: "Going to your flat like that I mean it's probably best we don't really."

Christian: "Ollie wanted to invite you both. He knows you're a good friend of mine and he likes Amira a lot."

Syed: "I don't feel comfortable going to your flat. If it was somewhere else maybe but ……"

Christian butted in "you don't feel comfortable coming to my place. Why the hell not?"

Syed: "I would have thought that was obvious."

Christian: "All that was a long time ago, water under the bridge and all that. I don't have a problem with that so nor should you."

Syed carried on with chopping the onions. He was glad of the distraction and they were making his eyes water which was handy as he was feeling emotional again. How come Christian could be so laidback about what had happened in the past? Well he was right, Christian obviously didn't love him anymore otherwise he couldn't possibly be as casual as this. A sadness came over him again.

Christian: "Well what do you think then?"

Syed: "I think Amira could go and I may have to work that night."

Christian: "That's ridiculous."

Syed: "Only as ridiculous as you expecting me to come round yours like nothing has ever happened there between us and watch you two loved-up all evening. No thank you."

He slammed down the knife he had been using and started tipping the onions into the wok to cook. He distracted himself with the cooking and an uneasy silence fell between the two men. Christian was really cross with Syed too. Of course he knew what had happened in the past between them, why did Syed think he didn't? It sounded like Syed was jealous of him and Ollie but truth be told he didn't need to be. Ollie was just a useful distraction and a bit of fun. Syed was still slamming things around and Christian decided to keep quiet on this subject for now. He would try and speak to Syed again later when he had calmed down a bit.


	11. Chapter 11

Part 11

It was the day of the party. It was going to be held in the Community Centre as Christian had persuaded Ollie there would be more room and he could invite more people that way. Christian had also decided this was the best way to be sure that Syed would go. They had discussed it and Syed had agreed that he would do the food with Jane's help and then that way he would be working at the party. Syed was busy working at the Unit with Jane preparing all the food. Everything was almost ready and it was just left to them to carry it all round to the Community Centre. Jane started carrying some trays over and Syed started to clear everything up. When he had finished, he followed over and did a few trips carrying all the stuff. He then busied himself preparing the tables with the food and laying it out nicely. He heard footsteps behind him "it's looking great, you've done a wonderful job." Christian smiled as he looked at all the decorations put up as well.

Syed: "Where's Ollie?"

Christian: "He's getting ready back at the flat. He will be here shortly."

Syed: "I need to get back and lock up the Unit. There's a few more trays to come and then it's all done. Do you want the guests to be offered a drink as they come in?"

Christian: "Yes if you could do that, it would be great. Once that's done you should be able to let your hair down and join in with the party you know. I don't expect you to work all night."

Syed: "That's what you're paying me for. I'm here to work Christian not to join in."

Christian: "Is Amira coming later on?"

Syed: "Yes she's bringing a couple of her friends with her for a good "girly night" as she puts it."

Christian chuckled, he could just imagine Amira saying that. Syed went off to the Unit and Christian wandered around. He had really hoped that having the party here would mean Syed would come and enjoy himself but Syed had insisted on doing the food and now he knew why. It was his way of getting out of socialising. Christian didn't even want this party to happen he was worried Ollie was starting to get too serious and he felt he might have to let him down gently at some point but obviously not tonight.

The party had gone well. Ollie had got very drunk and Christian had had to escort him back home. Everyone had gone home and Syed was just finishing off the last bit of tidying up. Jane and Ian had helped him with most of it but he had sent them off a while back insisting he would finish up. He was just sweeping the floor and then all he had to do was lock up and drop the key in the letterbox. Tiredness was pulling at him, it was 2 in the morning and he had been on his feel all night and most of the day in the Unit. He sat down on a chair and leaned back closing his eyes. He just needed a couple of minutes to recharge his batteries.

Christian came back into the Community Centre and guessed Syed was still there as the lights were still on. It was very quiet though and he hoped everything was alright. He walked in and saw Syed leant back in a chair with his eyes shut. He wondered if he was asleep but then those beautiful big brown eyes opened in shock and looked over at him.

Christian: "Sorry didn't mean to scare you, I saw some lights were still on and just wondered if you needed any help."

Syed: "No it's fine. I was just finishing sweeping the floor and then I'm done."

Christian: "Done in by the look of things, here let me finish the floor" and he took the brush and carried on sweeping.

Syed: "It's okay I can do it now, I just needed to sit down for a minute. You should get off and see if Ollie is alright."

Christian: "Last time I looked he was fast asleep. Nearly finished here" and he got out the dustpan and brush and swept up the assembled wrappers, crumbs and streamers off the floor.

Syed started to stand "thanks for that. Did Ollie enjoy his party do you think?"

Christian laughed "yes what he will remember of it tomorrow. He did definitely and a lot of thanks should go to you for all your hard work."

Syed: "Wasn't just me Jane and Ian helped me a lot tonight. Couldn't have done it without them."

Christian: "To be honest, I don't think me and Ollie will be together much longer."

Syed was silent not knowing what to say.

Christian: "He seems to be getting serious and I'm not ready for that sort of relationship. He's nice but that's all."

Syed: "Why are you telling me this? Seems odd really I mean why would you organise a party for someone if you don't like them that much?"

Christian: "I don't think you want to hear the answer to that."

Syed: "Guess he's good in bed then. That's usually all you care about."

Christian: "That's not true. You know it isn't. What we had wasn't just about sex and you know it. It was about a hell of a lot more than that."

Syed: "So why arrange a party for someone that doesn't matter to you that much? He's bound to think you really like him doing that. You paid for it and everything."

Christian: "Alright I'll tell you. The only reason I did this party is because I wanted you to come. You weren't prepared to come to my flat so I thought I would arrange it here instead. But oh no then you had to insist on doing the food and that got you out of speaking to anyone particularly me didn't it?" he said viciously.

Syed stared at him in shock. What was Christian going on about? Why would he want him to come to the party when Ollie was there? None of it made sense and Christian was really angry right now with him.

Syed: "I thought I was helping doing the food, someone had to do it and it made sense. You and Ollie seem happy together and I felt it was best just to let you get on and help out at the party."

Christian: "Ollie and I are probably about as happy as you and Amira truth be told."

Syed glared at him "what's that supposed to mean?"

Christian: "The two of you are stuck in an unhappy marriage and can hardly bear to spend time together and you work all hours to avoid spending time with her and ……."

Syed: "Shut up Christian you've said enough" spat out Syed.

Christian: "The truth hurts doesn't it."

Syed: "I'll tell you what hurts shall I? Having to work here all evening and watching you two cosying up and kissing all night and you think I want to come here and join in and that will be my idea of fun. You seem to think I need to get out more and when I do, you flaunt your new lover in my face. You think that's good for me and what I need?"

He turned away from Christian and looked out the window. He felt a hand on his arm and Christian's voice whispered "look at me" but Syed just stubbornly pulled away. Christian moved forward and pulled Syed round to face him "I'm sorry Syed I just wanted you to be happy and enjoy yourself like before."

Syed: "Things aren't like before though are they?"

Christian: "I know it's hard seeing you with Amira all the time but I put up with that so I can at least see you sometimes. I miss you so much and our chats and when I think back to time we spent together in my flat I ache to hold you and …"

Syed: "Don't Christian please don't say it."

Christian moved closer "I miss you Sy all the time. Tell me you don't feel the same and I'll leave you alone. I still love you Sy."

Syed looked up into his eyes and could see he meant every word. "I thought you didn't feel the same about me anymore" he whispered and Christian reached out a hand and stroked his face.

"Why would you think that? Just because I'm with Ollie?"

"Well that did make me think so and particularly as you seemed to be getting serious about him."

"I'm not and I aim to finish it in the next day or so. There's only one person I want in my life Sy and that's you."

"I'm married."

"But you're not happy are you? If you tell me you love Amira and you are really happy then I'll leave you alone but I know you and you're not happy at all and haven't been for months."

Syed looked down, he couldn't lie to Christian and he was right. Everything he said was right about his marriage and how he felt. Christian took his hand and Syed felt shivers running up his arm from the body contact. He looked up at Christian wanting him to kiss him so much it hurt. Christian moved closer until Syed could feel his breath on his face and his breathing quickened. Christian was looking at him so intently and his hands went round his waist. He pulled Syed into him and kissed him softly. Syed immediately responded and his arms went round Christian trying to pull him closer. The kiss deepened and their tongues were exploring and remembering. After a few minutes they pulled apart. Both men were breathing heavily and Christian glanced around seeing if there was somewhere they could go a bit more private and then remembered the small office at the back. There was a sofa in there he knew. "Sy I want to be with you, I mean physically." Syed looked back at him and smiled "then what's stopping you?" That was all the push he needed. He grabbed Syed's hand and pulled him along behind him. He shut the door behind him and turned to look at Syed. They kissed again and then Christian was undoing Syed's shirt and Syed did the same to him and then Christian was kissing his neck and chest. Syed started to pull at Christian's jeans and boxers and slid them down. He stopped to look at Christian and his heart was beating so fast, what a vision of strength, virility and yet at the same time gentleness. He could see that Christian was more than ready for him and he felt the same tightness down below and when Christian started to undo his jeans he closed his eyes in anticipation. Christian slid his jeans and boxers off him and the two men fell onto the sofa. There was an urgency about both men and neither of them could contain themselves much longer. Syed felt Christian's hand move and take hold of him and his head fell backwards onto the cushions. Christian stroked and touched him in the way he always knew excited Syed so much until he was begging Christian for more and Syed's hands moved down and held Christian until he was moaning. Suddenly it became too much for both of them and Christian turned Syed over and played him gently with his fingers until Syed was frantically begging him and then he entered him slowly at first. At the same time he reached round to the front of Syed and took him in his hand again. Syed was moaning and Christian started to move faster in him until he could feel it was nearly time and the two of them exploded together.


End file.
